Introduction to Employing Differences

[00:00:00] Paul: Welcome to Employing Differences, a conversation about exploring the collaborative space between individuals. 

[00:00:09] Karen: I'm Karen Gimnig. 

[00:00:10] Paul: And I'm Paul Tevis. 

[00:00:12] Karen: Each episode, we start with a question and see where it takes us. This week's question is, could you just answer the question? 

The Temptation to Demand Answers

[00:00:18] Paul: This is a thing that I often find myself very tempted to say.

[00:00:25] Paul: And I refrain, I try not to actually do this because I am not a cross examining lawyer. But there are often times when I have a question for somebody, there's a piece of information that I need. And that may be a simple factual piece of information, like, Did you take this to the post office on Tuesday?

[00:00:45] Paul: Or it may be like a deeper question, like, What are you really hoping comes out of our working together? Right? So in the first case, in theory, that's a fact that they have something close to hand where they can answer it with. In some cases, they need to think deeper about it. And it sometimes doesn't seem to matter which of those two it is or anywhere in between.

[00:01:05] Paul: It seems like I can ask the simplest possible question and still have someone answered not at all what I asked that I get some information back. Or there's an action in response to the thing that I've asked. That I was entirely unpredicted. And Karen and I have been talking a little bit about this.

[00:01:23] Paul: She's got some insight into why this might happen. We want to explore a little bit today about what can happen when we ask questions. 

Understanding the Complexity of Questions

[00:01:32] Karen: And I think what it comes down to is that questions get used for all kinds of things in our culture and in our language. What were you thinking? Generally, that's not actually what they want to know.

[00:01:44] Karen: And there's, like, there may be a question mark there, but nobody's asking for information, probably. Although it's often useful to ask that question and mean it. But there's plenty of times that we do things that are questions that are, not really questions. And we especially do this when we speak to children, by the way, did you really think that was going to be a good idea?

[00:02:07] Karen: And so it's not surprising that by the time we get to adulthood, we're a little suspicious of questions. So, I think, Paul, you and I would both very much like to live in a world where everybody is thoughtful about their language. And if they put a question mark at the end of it, it means there's something they like to know.

[00:02:24] Karen: And I try to do that and I think you try to do that. And frankly, if you're working with me and I ask you a question, there's a very high probability that all I want in the world is for you to answer the question that I asked and a whole lot of the time that doesn't happen. And so I think, you know, getting to know, this is the space between thing.

[00:02:46] Karen: Like if Paul and I are working together, Paul asked me a question, I probably will just answer it because that's how we work together and we know this about each other, but out in the world, I think we have to be prepared for that when somebody gets asked a question, all of a sudden. You're their third grade teacher or whatever, demanding something from them.

[00:03:08] Karen: And they go to, Oh my gosh, is he asking, you know, is he asking, did I take it to the post office? Cause he thinks I forgot and he doesn't trust me. And like, should I go on the defensive? Like, boy, can that roll. And our brains don't stop with, Paul would like some information. Okay. Right? There's so much more freight in it, and most of the time, the freight is not intended.

Navigating Miscommunication

[00:03:34] Karen: And so I think this is where both sides have a way to try and work at fixing this. So if I'm on the receiving end of the question, I'm going to recommend to the world that if you get asked a question and you watch yourself going, Oh, what does this question mean? What's behind it? Where did it come from?

[00:03:52] Karen: Ask those things back, like say, Hey, here's the information you wanted, or are you looking for information or is there something else to this? Or maybe like go knock on their door and don't just finish this on email because boy, do things go sideways when we're in keyboard based conversations about stuff.

[00:04:10] Karen: But, so if you're on the receiving end of a question and you notice yourself not just treating it as though it's a request for information. Maybe get interested in that and have that conversation. And if you're giving a question that you really want information, but there's a possibility that they're going to take it as criticism, or, you know, if you're asking about, did you do the thing, anything you can do to help frame it of.

[00:04:36] Karen: Doesn't matter either way. What matters is just, I need to know the answer. Could you tell me? Or something like, I want to live in a world where that's not necessary, but that's not the world we live in. 

[00:04:46] 

Strategies for Clearer Communication

[00:04:47] Paul: Yeah, it's funny cause as you're unpacking that, the thing around the, I got a question and I am telling myself that there's some more meaning kind of behind this.

[00:04:56] Paul: I recognize one of my standard moves with something like that, is I will answer the request for information as shortly and simply as, and concisely as I possibly can. And then often in a way that's unhelpful. But that, and immediately follow it up with what's the question behind your question, right?

[00:05:14] Paul: Tell me a little more about what you're trying to use this information for, because I may be able to give you better information, right? So if you're asking me, did I take the thing to the post office on Tuesday? And say, yes, what's behind that question? Cause it may be that you're going, Oh, did you see whether or not they still have this thing at the, are these are still on sale, right?

[00:05:36] Paul: Were you at the post office? But the question has nothing to do with whether or not I put it into the post person's hands. It has everything to do with, did I go to the post office and notice this other thing that you haven't even asked about? But that's a way in.

[00:05:49] Paul: And I work with a lot of people who have that where they'll ask the tip of the iceberg question and I'll answer. I say, yeah, I did. What's behind that, right? I try to notice when I'm starting to tell myself a story about why they're asking the question and ask about it. So that is actually a thing that I do.

[00:06:06] Paul: And I noticed that not a lot of people do that, but it's useful because there could be a whole other set of things that they want to know about. And engaging in a conversation could be useful there. 

[00:06:17] Karen: And I don't want to take every question and make it a bigger deal than it needs to be, but very often we do take a question and make it a bigger deal, perhaps because it needs to be.

[00:06:27] Karen: And that's really the space that we're in. Like there's plenty of times in the world that somebody asks a question, somebody else answers it, and we're all good. That's not what this episode's about. What we're really talking about is where questions go sideways. And where, could you just answer the question, maybe the answer is no, I couldn't just answer the question because I was triggered and locked into defensiveness or because I don't have the information or because the question didn't give me enough context to give you good information around it, all of those kinds of things.

[00:06:59] Karen: And so I think what we're really pointing to here is this is a dynamic where things go sideways fast. And often don't really get worked out, like there's not adequate feedback, there's not adequate sort of curiosity going back and forth. And you miss the conversation that actually would make things work in the space between.

Addressing Assumptions and Miscommunication

[00:07:19] Karen: So I think what I'm landing to with this is first pointing out how fraught questions can be in our culture. And then pointing to when is it appropriate, like, be thoughtful about should we be having more conversation. 

[00:07:34] Paul: And I'm thinking about kind of the flip side right there of like, when I ask a question, right, and it doesn't get answered, did you take the thing to the post office?

[00:07:45] Paul: And, you know, and then you get this, like, I get something back where I don't even know if a post office trip was involved. Right. Kind of thing. 

[00:07:53] Karen: I always do what you ask me to. You can count on me. I'm always dependable. Did you need me to do something else? 

[00:07:58] Paul: I'm just like, I believe all of those things that I would like to know.

[00:08:01] Paul: Did you take it to the, like, but that's actually the thing is that I find that it's really important to. Whatever I get back, like I actually need to address that, right. I need to say, I get that, you know, you are trying to help here. I get that, you know, it's really important. Like, you're very conscientious about this thing.

[00:08:22] Paul: Like it's important to you to know that I trust, you know, this, that and the other, like I need whatever they're bringing back to me. It's really useful for me to address that. Cause I'm probably needing to diffuse something, right? And just kind of talk about whatever that relational substrate is under there, right?

[00:08:39] Paul: Whatever it's brought up for that person. Like I need to address that and kind of, help it back in, you know, the genie back into the bottle or whatever it is. And then I'm going to follow up with the information question that I actually had. Right. Yeah. I see. This is really important. And I'm probably going to then ask my question in a way that adds more to it.

[00:09:00] Paul: Right. It's like, and I actually, it doesn't matter to me whether or not you went to the post office around this thing. What I really want to know is do they still have a holiday stamps, if rubber stamps on sale, right. Wrong question to ask, right. Kind of thing.

[00:09:13] Paul: But I'm going to come back to it because I still need the information, right? I still want to know what's going on, but to dismiss whatever I have gotten back that was not at all what I expected is not going to be useful. And I think that's getting to what you're talking about of, like, what's the actual conversation we actually need to have.

[00:09:34] Karen: I think that makes complete sense. And I want to bring the word assumptions into this because I think that's a lot of what goes on in this dynamic is that assumptions are made about what you meant or what you needed or why you're asking the question and that gets dangerous. So anytime we're making assumptions, I mean, we make them all the time, by the way, because that's how we avoid total chaos in our brains.

[00:09:57] Karen: But when we become aware that assumptions are leading to miscommunication, it's a really good idea to check back in on them. And so I think what we're talking about today is really just questions as a common source of miscommunication and ways that they can go sideways and ways that we can follow up with more information, more clarity, more context.

[00:10:24] Karen: And also, addressing whatever came up as a result of asking the question. All of that is probably more useful than saying, could you just answer the question? 

Conclusion and Final Thoughts

[00:10:34] Paul: Well, that's going to do it for us today. Until next time, I'm Paul Tevis. 

[00:10:38] Karen: And I'm Karen Gimnig, and this has been Employing Differences.