Introduction to Employing Differences

[00:00:03] Karen: Welcome to Employing Differences, a conversation about exploring the collaborative space between individuals.

[00:00:09] Paul: I'm Paul Tevis.

[00:00:10] Karen: And I'm Karen Gimnig.

[00:00:12] Paul: Each episode we start with a question and see where it takes us. 

Exploring Intentional Choice

[00:00:15] Paul: This week's question is: what is the skill of intentional choice?

[00:00:20] Karen: So this is the last in our series, at least for now of relationship skills, and we've been through speaking and listening, we talked about curiosity and introspection, and last week we talked about calibrating vulnerability. And the intentional choice thing actually is all of those built in relates to every one of them and is probably necessary to deploy the rest.

[00:00:46] Karen: But this is really about the situation where a thing has happened, I'm not happy about it. In digital choice may show up more broadly than this, but the time that we really notice that it's missing, I think is because the thing that's happened that I'm not happy about. I don't have any good options.

[00:01:03] Karen: I don't like any of the things that I can think of that would be what I would do. Or if I have to do the good martyr thing, then I get this martyrdom sort of scenario. Or if I do the thing I really wanna do, then everybody's gonna be mad at me because, you know, that person did this lousy thing and I wanted to just haul off and hit them or whatever would be the sort of go-to reaction.

[00:01:27] Karen: And what we're saying is that in the moment, reactivity, that thing that feels powerful enough or fair enough, or justified enough or comfortable enough or whatever, that we would do. Pretty good odds that's not the thing that in the end is going to give us the results that we will be happiest for later.

[00:01:46] Karen: So there's a bit of this that's about consider future self and what is future self gonna be happy with, rather than doing the reaction thing that is so usual that we see so often, and that almost certainly can be easily justified.

[00:02:04] Paul: Yeah. 

Reactivity vs. Intentional Choice

[00:02:09] Paul: So we're really kind of talking about intentional choice being sort of in contrast to reactivity, right?

[00:02:11] Paul: We talked about reactivity back on episode 284, where we really started to point to the fact that like, you know, when we're in a situation, for example, when we need to have a hard conversation and the other person is likely to have an emotional response. You know, a reaction that we aren't gonna, like, what are we gonna do about that?

[00:02:29] Paul: And what we really pointed to in that episode is the idea that we have choices, right? We actually do get to decide when they get angry. What do I wanna do that I don't have to just walk down that well trodden path, right? Sort of take the path of least resistance. Whatever that may be for us, right? It might be the most comfortable thing, which isn't to say it's at all comfortable, but the notion of doing something different is so uncomfortable that I don't even consider them.

[00:02:55] Paul: I don't even like to think about the fact that I have a choice, right? When we're in that space of reactivity, it seems like we have no choice. And so the skill I think really is about recognizing all of the choices that we do actually have. And then as we've said on the show before, considering what those might lead to and which of those things are in line with our values are in line with the things that we actually find important.

[00:03:24] Karen: Yeah, I think this shows up a lot in spaces where certainly spaces I work in, in community spaces where there's, you know, somebody behaving in a way that often a number of people don't like. And they're selling themselves that, well, we can't talk to that person 'cause they'll just put us down or yell back and we can't gang up on them because then that's not very community minded. And so we'll just, you know, make a rule that they're not allowed to interrupt people anymore, or something like that. Which, if you've been listening to the show, you know that I'm not a big fan of rules for those sorts of problems.

[00:03:58] Karen: But you can do all of those things. And they come to me and they say, well, what should we do? And I said, I can't tell you what you should do, but what I can do and do a lot of in my work is help you think about what are your choices and what can you predict are the likely outcomes of those choices?

Making Predictive Choices

[00:04:16] Karen: Because the cool thing here is I actually think humans are pretty good at guessing what's gonna happen relationally. If I yell at somebody, they're probably gonna be mad at me if I, you know, roll over and just let them get their way however they want, they'll probably keep ongoing about, you know, doing the thing that I don't like over and over again.

[00:04:33] Karen: Right. There are absolutely predictable results and we're pretty good at just even knowing each other, like, what's that other person likely to do and how's that gonna play out, and how's that gonna work for me? And if we will take the time to make that prediction and possibly even make a list, maybe even a written list of, so I could do this.

[00:04:51] Karen: And if I did that, then I think this would probably happen. If I did this second choice, then I think this other thing would probably happen. And the thing is then to give yourself permission to choose the one that serves you best. And if you're in a community space or a teamwork space or a job kind of space, that doesn't just mean you can do the thing that's entirely selfish, but you can selfishly do the thing that gives me the community that I want.

[00:05:20] Karen: Like that is a selfish thing to say, I'm not doing it because I'm gifting it to the community. That's martyr, resentment territory. But I can say this community is really important to me. Having that community be healthy and stronger and whole is more of a priority to me than sticking to my guns on this thing that I thought I wanted or than standing up to that person.

[00:05:42] Karen: Or maybe standing up to them is what I think will serve the community. Right? But it's all of the values. So it's not just the what will make me feel safe or, you know, the very personal effects. It's also the broader effects that will impact me personally, that matter to me. If I can take all of those into account and really look at, okay, which thing is it that's gonna serve me best and make the selfish choice, I think that works really well.

[00:06:08] Paul: Because I am an etymology nerd. One of the things that I think there's a word that gets a short shrift these days, which is prudence. Prudence, as it turns out, comes from the Latin providencia, meaning to see before. So literally, prudence is foresight and it refers to the idea that we can think about what's gonna happen if I do this thing right?

[00:06:32] Paul: And so what we're kind of talking about here is being prudent about your choices and saying, let's think about this if I choose to do this thing, what's likely to result? Right? Obviously, there's always variables. Like you can't ever exactly predict. But you know, when you're looking at things about how, and you go, Hmm.

[00:06:49] Paul: As a improv teacher of mine used to say, well, that's a low percentage choice. You know, you could decide to do that, but is it likely to get you what you want? Probably not. Then maybe make a different choice. Maybe make it a better choice. I think there's a lot of stuff out there actually about making good decisions when we start to think about.

[00:07:07] Paul: You know, if we look forward into the future, the likely results as we take these things into account, what our own profiles for risk are and things like that. I think that a lot of that has been sort of gone through it a number of times and I like what you were saying about, you know, being selfish, right.

[00:07:21] Paul: About go, like, and what I add to that is really the piece of like, we get to matter in this calculus. 

Balancing Self, Others, and Context

[00:07:27] Paul: Something that I often share with many of my coaching clients, something from Virginia Satir, where she talked about three things to consider in any situation, self, other, and context.

[00:07:39] Paul: And the problem starts to come when we ignore one or more of those, right? That when we ignore self, right? This is where we get into placating behavioral. We say, okay, great. The other person can get what they want to and that's what the situation needs, and I'll just suffer through it. And it's a great recipe for resentment over time.

[00:07:58] Paul: And then if we marginalize the other person and their needs and put self first, right? We say, I'm gonna get what I want and I'm gonna ignore everybody else, and I'm just gonna stomp on them. Right? And we're not suggesting that you be selfish in that regard, but we are saying that you get to matter in this.

[00:08:14] Paul: We also need to not ignore the context, right? So it might be that Karen and I, you know, we have a great relationship, so I'm just never gonna bring up this larger issue that's being unresolved, right? That we're not dealing with. I'm gonna ignore that part. So for me, when we talk about choosing intentionally, it is about taking those multiple different factors into account.

[00:08:34] Paul: Am I thinking about what the other person needs and wants? Am I thinking about what I need and want? Am I thinking about what the context needs and wants? Because when do I do that? It starts to point out where I might just be reacting instead of being intentional.

[00:08:51] Karen: Yeah. 

Practical Steps for Intentional Choices

[00:08:51] Karen: And I think that's really the core of this is how often I see people being either reactive or another word that I'm gonna bring in here is habitual. When this happens, I do this thing and I'm not happy with how my relationships are. And the idea that if I think about it, I can make a different choice.

[00:09:11] Karen: This isn't easy. Like if it was easy, we probably wouldn't be talking about it. It's comfortable to stick with our habits. It's how we've learned to be, and it's served us well enough to get where we are in life, right? But if we're willing to look at that habitual thing and say, I'm not getting the results that I want, and this is very much what's going on, people call me because they're not getting the results that they want.

[00:09:34] Karen: If they're talking to me in my professional capacity, it's because they're not happy with how their relationships are. So then when they're saying, but I had to do this, I'm gonna say, but having to do that and following that, like, you're gonna keep getting the same results and that could be fine.

[00:09:51] Karen: it's not up to me to say whether you should or shouldn't. I just wanna help you see that you do have another choice and you can predict what that other choice will give you. And if in the end the result is the one that you want, even if the thing that gets you there is not the thing that you want.

[00:10:09] Karen: It's probably worth choosing the thing that gives you the results that you want.

[00:10:14] Paul: The other thing that I see people sometimes get stuck into this is where they like to believe they don't have a choice, because that allows them to shift blame onto other people. And I see that show up a lot, where it's like, well, senior management decided this. And so, you know, so we, as middle managers, we throw senior management under the bus.

[00:10:33] Paul: We just say, oh, it's their fault. Right? And things like that. But what that ignores is all of the choices that we then do get to have about how we're going to do the thing that we are gonna do, right? We are at choice about how are we gonna carry this out? How are we gonna do this in a way that is most congruent with our values, with the needs of the people around us, right?

[00:10:55] Paul: It doesn't ignore the situation, you know, the context that says, yes, this decision was made, but we actually often have a lot more choices about the how, the implementation thing. And that's where if we act like we have no choice, then we aren't actually good about doing those things in ways that we'll feel good about or at least not terrible about later.

[00:11:17] Paul: And canonically, right? This shows up in things like layoffs, where it's like decisions get made about how layoffs are going to happen, and there are ways of doing that that are more congruent with people's values, right? As a manager who needs to do that, right? You can say this is, I don't like that I need to do this.

[00:11:36] Paul: In fact, I really hate that I need to do this. And I'm gonna do this in a way that I'm not gonna hate myself for having done it that way, right? That I'm going to preserve as much dignity on the behalf of the people who I am having to let go as I am. Like whatever the choices you are making about how you're carrying those things out, you get to make those.

[00:11:56] Paul: But if you say, well, I just had to do it this way. It ignores the possibility that you could improve the situation in some way. By falling into that, well, I just have to.

[00:12:08] Karen: Yeah, so I think what we're talking about today is this idea of we often think that we have to respond in a certain way or react in a certain way. Either because it's what the culture would expect of us or because it's the habit or it's what we've known or it seems very justified or it's a way to give us a little more power in a situation that feels powerless.

[00:12:28] Karen: All sorts of reasons that we go, well, I had to do that thing, or even, I didn't even pay attention to whether I had to do it. I just did it without thinking in that very reactive kind of space, and to develop the skill of slowing down there and questioning and there's some curiosity and some introspection in this.

[00:12:46] Karen: No big surprise. Slowing down and saying, what are my other options? And of all the options that I have, what are the likely outcomes of those? The outcome for me, because I get to matter, the outcome for the group, if the group matters to me, which it probably does, or I wouldn't be stuck in this dilemma.

[00:13:06] Karen: And for any other element of the context that is important to me, like what are the outcomes that I could expect or the results that I could expect if I do this thing versus if I did that thing versus if I did the other thing. And if I can look at those and use the fabulous human powers for prediction and that Paul brought the word prudence to this, which I love.

[00:13:29] Karen: Very prudently. Sit down and say, okay, what are my options and what's going to serve me best? And that's that selfishness piece of that, not with disregard for others, because disregarding others rarely serves me best. But what of my choices is going to serve me best? What is going to give me an outcome that my future self is gonna be glad to have?

[00:13:50] Karen: And it doesn't mean it's a good outcome. I don't mean there's always a good option, but very often there's a better option than the one we were thinking we were gonna do, or the one that we would've done if we hadn't paused to think. That's way more aligned with our values overall, way more aligned with what we will be glad about later.

[00:14:08] Karen: And what we're saying with this skill is being able to find that one and choose it, not because of cultural norms or habits or power dynamics, but for the simple reason that it will give us the result that we most want is really helpful for us and for our relationships within any kind of team or group.

[00:14:30] Paul: Well, that's gonna do it for us today. Until next time, I'm Paul Tevis.

[00:14:34] Karen: And I'm Karen Gimnig, and this has been Employing Differences.