Introduction to Employing Differences

[00:00:03] Karen: Welcome to Employing Differences, a conversation about exploring the collaborative space between individuals.

[00:00:09] Paul: I'm Paul Tevis.

[00:00:10] Karen: And I'm Karen Gimnig.

[00:00:12] Paul: Each episode we start with a question and see where it takes us. This week's question is: how do I prepare for a meeting?

Series Overview: Becoming a Better Meeting Participant

[00:00:19] Karen: So this is the beginning of a series on how to participate, how to be a meeting participant. We did a series that we can tag in the notes about how to facilitate a meeting. But I do get asked fairly often about, you know, we wanna have better meetings. And I'll often suggest that folks, even if they don't plan to facilitate the meetings, maybe take the facilitation classes that we offer because that will help them become more skillful meeting participants.

[00:00:46] Karen: But rather than give that particular advice on the podcast here, what we're gonna do is actually do a series of topics, of skill sets, of things that will help you be a better meeting participant, both because it'll help your meetings be better. It'll also probably make you more effective in whatever it is you wanna make happen at a meeting, but also it will help compensate for any lack of skillfulness in a facilitator.

[00:01:12] Karen: So having these skills is really important for the whole group, especially if you have less than professionally skilled facilitators. It really can balance that so that people who are learning to facilitate or growing in their facilitation or are facilitating, even though it's not their primary job, have a better chance at success.

[00:01:33] Karen: So we're gonna start today with how do I prepare for a meeting as a meeting participant?

The Importance of Meeting Preparation

[00:01:40] Paul: What do you mean you prepare for a meeting?

[00:01:42] Karen: Well, it's not a bad idea.

[00:01:45] Paul: No. In fact, it's a really good one and it's unfortunately I think something that gets overlooked a lot. Right? I think oftentimes we make this assumption of like, oh, great, everything I'm gonna need to do, I can do in the meeting. And that's not the most effective way to go into sort of any meeting. 

Understanding Meeting Objectives

[00:02:04] Paul: Now, unfortunately, there are a lot of cases where, and I see this all the time, where there's so little information about what the meeting is, what it's intended to produce, how we are expected to participate in it.

[00:02:17] Paul: And of course we also have 17 meetings that day, which are backed up on top of each other and no time to breathe much less use the facilities in between those meetings. So I understand why oftentimes people don't prepare for meetings, but that whole list of things points to stuff that if we're able to do it, then as you point out, it takes some of the load off of the person who's facilitating the meeting, but it also means that it's much more likely that the meeting is going to be useful and productive.

[00:02:43] Karen: Yeah. And I think one of the reasons that we end up having so many meetings is because we aren't very productive in the meetings we have, so then we have to have another one. So, this is definitely a discernment thing. Not every meeting requires preparation. Not every meeting requires the same amount of preparation.

[00:02:59] Karen: But I do think that one of the big wastes in any organization I've ever been part of is, meetings that don't actually make good use of everybody's time. And when you get 20, 30, 40 people in a room together, making good use of everybody's time is really meaningful. It's really expensive to waste that time.

[00:03:17] Karen: So one of the things I will say is the larger the meeting is that you're going into, the more likely it is that some preparation is a good idea. If the idea is we'll just get there and we'll figure it out, and you're with three people, well the worst thing that happens is you waste three people's time.

[00:03:31] Karen: But a little different with a larger group. 

Determining Your Role and Contribution

[00:03:35] Karen: And I also wanna say, if what you think your role in the meeting is, is to sit and listen and take in information and be present 'cause your boss told you to, yeah, you may not need to prepare for that. Like there are examples where you don't. So we're really talking here about meetings where the participants are expected to participate in making a decision.

[00:03:51] Karen: They're expected to give input. They're expected to collaboratively solve a problem. To make a decision that people are weighing in on that kind of meeting, I think is what we're talking about here.

[00:04:02] Paul: And I think one of the key things in the preparation that we can do is notice where we actually aren't sure. About any of those things and try to get clarification about them ahead of time. Right? So if I'm invited to a meeting and I don't know what the outcome is intended to be, like, is this a decision making meeting?

[00:04:21] Paul: Is this a brainstorming meeting? Like what kind of meeting it is or what I'm expected to contribute if I don't know those things? One of the most valuable things that I can do as a participant to help prepare for the meeting is to reach out and ask and to get clarification about that. If I don't know how to prepare for the meeting, then the first step is figuring out, okay, what am I actually gonna need to do?

[00:04:45] Karen: Yeah. And a corollary to that is, so that's the finding out like what the group is trying to do in the meeting so I can think about my part, and then there's like, what am I trying to do in this meeting? I think it can be really useful, and I think we've talked about this on other episodes from other angles, but one of the things is like I'll go through an agenda and go, okay, there's these five topics that are gonna be talked about and you know, if you give me a topic and ask me to come up with an opinion, boy I sure can do that.

[00:05:11] Karen: But it's helpful if I have decided ahead of time whether I care enough or whether my opinion has value. Because very often, and I see this a lot in meetings, we go in and it's like, well, they asked my opinion, so I made one up, but I actually don't care. And so I'm like wasting everybody's time trying to like accommodate a thing that I'm not gonna participate in that anyway.

[00:05:36] Karen: Like I care that the workout rube is a better color if that's the decision. Like I have an opinion about what color it is, but I don't work out in a workout room. So, I don't need to have an opinion, and my opinion is not worth everybody else's hearing. Right. So if I can go through and figure out, like for each topic, what do I hope to accomplish, just selfishly for me in that meeting, then I know that I go in and some of the topics, okay, I'm gonna, I've got ideas that I think are worthwhile, will make it better for me or for somebody else, or for the group and other topics.

[00:06:08] Karen: It's like, it's not my thing. I'm gonna let everybody else do it. If we have a round, I'm gonna pass my turn because I don't have a vote that helps.

[00:06:17] Paul: Yeah. 

Doing Your Homework: Research and Data Gathering

[00:06:19] Paul: Something that a phrase that Allison Pollard and I use often is, do your homework. Which is effectively for, you know, topics that we're gonna discuss. Figure out do I have an opinion about this? How backed up is that opinion? What data might I have that's gonna support that?

[00:06:34] Paul: Do I make sure that I, you know, do I have that, right? Is that ready to go? How strongly do I feel? And we talked recently in an episode about speaking skills and like the ability to say here's what I think we ought to do. Here's how strongly I feel. That also the, like the think doing the piece of what's the range of outcomes that I would find acceptable here, you know, so it's, yeah.

[00:06:56] Paul: If you'd make me pick, this is what I'd pick, but I'm good with any of these six things, but not that one over there. Right. Being able to do that on your own. Before you've gotten to the meeting, before you're hearing and you're influenced by everybody else, can be useful because it's often quieter, right?

[00:07:14] Paul: You can figure that out a little bit more and you can come to the meeting with a little bit more fully formed of an opinion. And fleshed out in a way that's easier for other people to listen to.

[00:07:26] Karen: Yeah, and I think the flip side of that is to be aware of like, I don't know enough about this proposal to have an opinion yet, or like, this isn't a good thing for me to make an opinion about yet. I'm gonna go to the meeting to get that information. Like that's what's gonna happen there. So my objective for this meeting is to learn what I'd need to learn to know what my opinion would be.

[00:07:45] Karen: But even that, there may be a piece about, okay, there's these three things that I don't know that I would need to know. Maybe it's handy to ask ahead of the person who might know them. If I feel like I'm gonna have a lot of feelings about it, or maybe I think, yep, once I know them, I'll be fine. And it just makes sense to wait to tell the meeting.

[00:08:02] Karen: So that's some of the preparation game is some discernment about we don't need to have the meeting before we have the meeting. There are things that are supposed to happen at the meeting, but if those things can't happen well, or you know, won't be efficient unless I do my own thing.

[00:08:16] Karen: And another thing that sometimes happens, I think, is there's a piece of information. Like, I wanna look up data about this thing before I know what I wanna do. Well, if I'm going to a meeting where we're supposed to decide that thing, it's great. That's a piece of the homework to me, is if I'm gonna go find out that information, I'm gonna do that research, look that up, whatever it is.

[00:08:38] Karen: Then I should do that before the meeting and not be sitting in the meeting going, okay, everybody wait while we pull out a phone or whatever, which we can do these days. So at least we're not putting it off to another meeting. But ideally, we come with that ready to go.

[00:08:51] Paul: Yeah, that the, you know, what's the research, what's the other things that I need to gather, you know, the resources that I wanna have and to have a chance to digest that stuff before I go in. Like, I think that is really useful. And I think that's useful in a decision making space.

[00:09:06] Paul: But also, it can be useful just when we're coming in, if this is like a brainstorm, ideating, sort of like, we're trying to gather input, sort of space, right? Even if it's not just making a decision, it's like, well, hold on, let me look around at other things out there that if I'm trying to do that in the meeting, my attention's gonna be divided.

[00:09:21] Paul: And there's all sorts of things that are going on. So I think there is a piece, of the discernment of going, what are the sorts of activities? That I would wanna do to make a good decision in order to be a good participant in this process that are best done by myself. And then there may also be ones where it's useful to do them with one or two other people, right?

[00:09:41] Paul: So I wanna reach out to this person and say, Hey, could you clarify this? I read this thing in the report that you wrote. I am not quite sure what's going on with that, but I'd like to do that beforehand. Not in front of the 50 people who are all gonna be there, sort of thing. And just thinking about like, okay, what are things that are useful to do that isn't the full context of the meeting.

[00:10:04] Karen: Yeah. 

Handling Interpersonal Conflicts

[00:10:05] Karen: And I think a particular case of what you're talking about is where there's an interpersonal conflict. So if I know I hate this thing because that person brought it and they stepped on my toe last week. I mean, it wouldn't probably be that simple, but you get the idea. Like, I'm already mad at them and they're bringing a thing that my first initial instinct is I don't like it.

[00:10:26] Karen: And you know, if it's one thing, if I have the same issues as lots of other people and we need to work it as a group, but I've certainly seen cases where there's 40 people in the room and three or four of them are very invested in fighting tooth and nail over this. And everybody else is like, just decide already, like, I'm good.

[00:10:45] Karen: It's not worth this to me. And they're getting dragged through an emotional sort of battering that's frankly very often about some other conflict and not even really about the topic at large. If you're in anything close to that situation where you're like. I don't understand why they think that that's, they're just being stupid or they're just picking on me, or they're just, you know, if you're anywhere in that story in your head, I think it's a huge service to the group to go do that work with that person before you're in a meeting where you're fighting that out and trying to get people, you know, people are invited to take sides and like it goes sideways, so badly in a large group.

[00:11:21] Karen: Might even be true in a group of five or six people. It's less likely to be terrible in a smaller group. But if you know what you've got really is an interpersonal conflict that is so much better worked out, not with an audience or not with a big audience like that. So maybe with a facilitator or a helper, but you are outside of a meeting where what you're trying to do is get to a decision.

Managing Emotional Triggers

[00:11:43] Paul: One of the things that's kind of related to that, that I will also do as I'm preparing, right, because sometimes it's like, great, I'm gonna go to this meeting. These are people involved, they want my input. And there's a couple other people there where it's like, I don't necessarily have a personal issue with them.

[00:11:56] Paul: This is not necessarily a conflict there, but they just do something that annoys me. Or there's something about the way that this is gonna happen where it's just like, I'm gonna be irritated. It's really useful for me to think about that at a time and go, so when I get annoyed by this person's tendency to blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, what am I gonna do to stay sort of engaged, involved?

[00:12:20] Paul: Like to let that sort of water run off me like water off duck's back, you know, kind of thing. How can I stay? I think one of the things we can do that helps us be a better participant for a meeting is knowing where some of our emotional triggers are likely to be and to come up with plans for when this thing comes up.

[00:12:38] Paul: What am I gonna do? That allows me to stay grounded, to sort of get back to that centered, balanced place so that we can move the work forward.

[00:12:47] Karen: A hundred percent. And the last thing I just wanna throw in here, we have talked about this at length in another episode, so I'm just gonna flag it. 

Deciding Whether to Attend a Meeting

[00:12:56] Karen: But it is one of the pieces of preparing for a meeting for me is deciding whether I should go.

[00:13:00] Karen: I am not a believer that more bodies makes a better meeting. I mean, it depends on what you're trying to accomplish. If you're trying to get collegiality, like there are purposes for which more bodies is probably better, but most of what we're trying to do in meetings, having somebody there that doesn't have a lot to say, that doesn't already have an opinion, that doesn't have useful input and doesn't care a lot about the outcome is actually not of benefit to anyone.

[00:13:24] Karen: So I do give some thought when invited to a meeting of, is this a useful meeting for me to attend? Either for me or for the purpose of the group. But is this really a good use of my time? And if it's not, I feel pretty free to say, you all have a great meeting. I wish you well. And I mean that like I, I mean, I wish you well.

[00:13:43] Karen: But I think that is a piece of the preparation and you know, if you're doing that too often, then you can kind of rethink is this part of the group that I should be in? Or, you know, that kind of thing. But I think it's worth having that on the agenda of if I'm not, for whatever reason, if I'm not gonna be useful, and even if that reason is I'm just getting over the flu or I'm really exhausted, or I've got 15 other things that are a higher priority for me than this, I'm gonna trust the group to look after it while I'm not there, since I'm not with the capacity to be there well. These are all good things to think about before you're sitting in the room.

[00:14:13] Paul: And i'll just add onto that, like certain groups actually have, you know, protocols around like people who can't be there. Can also provide input, right? They may have a structure for that. And if for whatever reason you're not going to attend because you've decided it's not good use of your time, or something has come up.

[00:14:32] Paul: If you've done this preparation, you know, around, these are the things that I found. This is what I'm interested in, this is what I'm curious about, you know, these are the input that I have. If there's a way for you to share that in a written, you know, asynchronous form or if you've got someone else who can kind of proxy for you.

[00:14:48] Paul: Hey, I can't be there, but these are the types of things that I do care about. Or, you know, I'm just not gonna go. But, you know, something that I think would be useful if someone said is like, that's another thing that you can do, depending on the culture of your meeting, your group and things like that.

[00:15:04] Paul: Where you might actually have things that you think it's useful for the group to know. And maybe it just needs to not be you saying it live.

[00:15:13] Karen: Yeah. 

Final Thoughts

[00:15:14] Karen: Which sort of sets us up for our next topic, which will be about who says what, when. And when it's a good idea to speak. So we'll save that for next week.

[00:15:21] Karen: But for today, just wrapping up, we're talking for a few episodes here about how to be an effective meeting participant. How to really support your group as the best participant in a meeting, even if you're not facilitating, or maybe especially when you're not facilitating.

[00:15:37] Karen: And that there are a lot of things you can do. And starting with preparation, which very often we don't think about preparing for a meeting, especially if we're not facilitating. But it's very useful to gather what information you can. If there is an agenda, review it. If there's information that's been sent out, you know, decide how much of it it's useful for you to read and get familiar with.

[00:15:57] Karen: And if there's stuff that you don't know that you feel like you would wanna know before the meeting, ask, you know, check in with whoever's facilitating or, you know, whoever's leading the meeting and just say, Hey, what are we trying to do at this meeting? What's going to be expected of me? What objectives are there?

[00:16:11] Karen: That kind of thing, so that you can be prepared. And then be looking at sort of each topic and how do I feel about each topic and what do I need to do to be fully present for that topic? Is there somebody I need to talk to? Is there research I need to do? Is there self work that I need to do to kind of get myself in a place where I can stay grounded at this meeting?

[00:16:31] Karen: All those kinds of things. And just being thoughtful about is this really a conflict thing? Is this actually a thing that matters to me? What is it that I hope would be true at the end of the meeting that isn't true at the beginning for me and for the group? And based on all of that, decide, is this a meeting I should go to?

[00:16:47] Karen: And then be really prepared to be present in the way that best serves what I think is supposed to be happening at that meeting. So that I'm ready to be a really strong, helpful participant at that meeting.

[00:16:59] Paul: Well, that's gonna do it for us today. Until next time, I'm Paul Tevis. 

[00:17:02] Karen: And I'm Karen Gimnig, and this has been Employing Differences.